Reflecting and Recapping

It has been a while since I have written anything. Well, really this summer has been characterized by a lack of anything productive on my part. I have not felt like myself since I left Utah in May, even less so in the last 4 weeks. A very good friend of mine is working on the Obama campaign in Wisconsin and we had a chance to catch up a bit the other day via instant messenger. Our conversation was very brief, really just checking up on each other to make sure that the other is managing to stay afloat in this wide world of politically oriented work, but the one thing that he did comment was that, "this is not the Colby that I know." It is so true, but how is there a "Colby" for anyone to remember, when I don't remember who that person is? When things have been so fluid, so baseless and unstable that constructing a "me" has been impossible?

I head back to Utah in 3 days. A lot has changed, probably the single most momentous summer of my short life. I guess my first reaction is to paraphrase the second noble truth of Buddhism, that life is suffering because of peoples' inability to deal with the change that characterizes life. But that seems to be a cop out of sorts, it is something more than that. Things have come to a head. The time couldn't be more appropriate though. I've learned valuable, extremely valuable lessons this summer. Now I return to Utah to finish my last semester of school, to graduate from college, god forbid, at age 21. As the new description of my blog alludes to, my life is a question mark, a looming question mark that draws ever nearer. Right now I have to focus on school, to finish up an amazing senior thesis on the CIA's absurd coup d'etat in Iran in 1953.

I have, however, decided that after this it is time for a break. I need to find myself. Again, here I am tempted to refer back to my Buddhist experimentation, a quote by Alan Watts comes to mind, "I try to find myself but then I realize that I am searching for the one who is searching and I realize that my search is pointless." Again, this is nothing more than a cop out. As a dear friend said to me last night (thank you) a person who doesn't know who they are is too unstable. Stability in any form, has been something that I have lacked in life, lacked to the utmost. When one lacks stability and can't find it internally, where is one supposed to turn? Pawley, I'm sure you'll say God. Maybe you're right. That's something that I need to look into in this endeavor. I shirked the LDS church the day that I turned 18. I knew what I was doing, had a decent knowledge of dogma, doctrine and scripture; none of which I agreed with. It wasn't wanton rebellion but conscious defection. It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the right thing for me at that point in my life. I don't know if I can reconcile with the church, nor do I necessarily believe that religion is "for me" (not that I necessarily believe, unequivocally, that it is not for me). Even with (or without) a belief system, I believe a person MUST be able to turn inward to find some stability. So "I" am returning to Utah, but the ME has yet to be found.

A ton has changed. I moved out of my parents house for the first time ever. Don't worry, I survived (thanks especially to the help of my most amazing cousin). At this point, as my parents sleep in MY bedroom and I lay on the couch, I know that that decision was for the best. Now the question becomes, can I survive 4 months at "home"? I could move out, but why spend what little money I'll be making while working part time, especially when I could be saving it to finance a jaunt to the other side of the world (Cambodia, Thailand, etc. sounds nice)? I'll just need to find a "half way" house to hang out at. That is to say, leech of one of my friends who does spend their money on a place; just to avoid my house as much as possible. Being away from home has produced a better, less tense relationship between me and my family; I'd like to keep that.

My future career has also been thrown further into the air this summer. I came out here for an internship with the Middle East Policy Council. The work that I did really had little to do with politics or IR or any other such things. Nonetheless, I met a lot of very jaded people. Meeting them has drawn out the question of is the course I'm on the one that I want? I can't answer that right now. I think that, ultimately, the answer to this is intertwined with the answer to "who am I?".

A line from Rent (thanks for the introduction to theatre DANI! I'm hooked) comes to mind, "Here goes, who knows." My future is most definitely unknown, but I do know that I am capable of a lot. I have been very "blessed" in life, with the capability to do virtually whatever I decide I want to do (The curse of genius someone once called it), with the most amazing family (especially Micah), amazing friends who I hope will be around forever (Dani, Patrick, and Joel especially). The school situation before me necessitates a near-myopic focus, mostly because I've bitten off a lot with my senior thesis (and because I'm a terrible perfectionist). But that won't stop me from beginning the soul searching. So anyone who wants to contemplate the imponderables (Life, the Universe and Everything as Douglas Adams called it) of life, let's chat (Pawley, I might even talk scripture [NOT Isaiah, I can't understand him], just give me a while to dig out my scriptures). Philosophy and religious traditions have always interested me, but now I turn to them with a different intention, with a different goal (Given our history of near-acrimony though, it's probably best I avoid the eternal pessimist Nietzsche for a while).

This much I do know though, I regret NOTHING that I've done in life. I've learned valuable lessons from everything that I've ever done. Hopefully I can maintain this attitude as I move forward.

Also, it is past time for me to return to my little pocket notebooks for writing thoughts, quotes, horrible poems, and ideas for stories. In writing I've always found solace. That said, expect a more consistent output from me on this blog.