I don't know why I keep posting on this blog really. The only person that reads it is 9089 miles away (according to ask.com anyways). But I will post this blog and then probably just go back to posting my blogs on Myspace--which are also not read by anyone.
After the experiences I have had tonight I cannot help but wonder what certain phrases--in this case, "I love you"--mean. I am also left utterly dumbfounded at the abrupt shifts which can occur in the demeanor and affect of people.
My relationship with my stepfather over the past 9 years has been...well rather tumultuous some of the time, but most of the time we maintain a neutral relationship--that is to say we both tolerate each other but have little interaction beyond what is necessary. I can only speak on behalf of my own thoughts and beliefs, but I believe I detect much the same attitude from him.
On to the meat of this story, tonight's rather plutonic episode. I must apologize beforehand for the ambiguity of this story, but there are certain details which I feel must be left out at this time. The reason for the exclusion of these points is because I am not sure what the future "blowback" of this encounter will entail and consequently do not want to contribute further to any possible negative outcomes. I believe, however, that the people reading this blog will be able to discern the gist of my story from the minimal facts which I will be able to provide.
So where to start? Now married couples fight and that is a fact of life, this much I understand despite my current unwed status. But there is a fine line between the occasional (or regular, depending on the family from which one hails) verbal spat and what I can only amount to verbal assault. The question is, who makes the determination as to where said line is? And who will act as the mediator once said line is crossed by one or both parties--and hopefully, for the sake of the mediator, it can be done with as little bias as possible?
I abstain from involving myself in any argument between my parents, until it reaches a certain threshold of obscenity. Preferring, instead, to retreat to my room and enjoy some good Futurepop (see also: Synthpop or Trance music) or catch up on the news via any of a multiplicity of sources. Unfortunately, my do-gooder nature can only remain dormant and docile under certain conditions--and the conditions regarding arguments between my parental units were laid out by me a long time ago.
Moving right along... Tonight my parents were arguing over something and the details of that argument don't concern me or anyone else for that matter. These kind of arguments I have learned to simply tune out, hence why I have no idea what they were about tonight. But then, my stepfather deemed it necessary to resort to some of the most odious comments to say to my mother. This is my mother we're talking about here, the woman who gave birth to me, has raised me, and defended when it was necessary and deserved when I was growing up. So certain things, such as the phrases and comments made by my stepfather tonight ignite some internal flame of disdain and reaction. That ignition spurned me to confront my stepfather about how vile and disgusting these comments were and how my mother did not deserve this kind of treatment--not from him nor from anyone else.
My stepfather contorted my confrontation, choosing instead to call it a threat on my part. (Mind you I NEVER said anything to the effect of "I'll kill you," "you do that again and I'll bust your nose," etc. And my hands never touched him, in fact, I did not even make any shape that even remotely resembled a fist with either of my hands.) The confrontation escalated from there and I decided to depart from my un-humble home.
Strangely enough, when I returned home my step father apologized to me both for the confrontation and for what he said. I, in turn, apologized for getting in his face and sticking my nose into their business. He proceeded to hug me and said, "I love you, please don't leave." Which brings me back to my initial inquiry, what do people mean with phrases such as these in context such as this? Was it said with utmost sincerity or only as a convenient means to appease the sentiments of my mother--who had become distraught over our confrontation? I don't mean to be a cynic (see: the subtitle of this blog) but I cannot help but wonder. I can say little beyond the fact that I am utterly bewildered by this abrupt shift in attitude on the part of my stepfather.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
It's hard to say. While I consider myself particularly cynical as well, by my knee jerk reaction it sounds authentic. Without being there and knowing the personalities of all those involved, I couldn't give you a realistic observation either way. That being said, it may be ideal to treat it as authentic until you are given a reason to doubt otherwise. I tend to resort back to basic human goodness, though lacking in a disturbing percentage of our race, that he is genuine. I don't know though... Fool you once, shame on him. Fool you twice, shame on you.
Hope I was of some, if any, help.
My knee-jerk, ‘now I wish I wouldn’t make a comment’ thoughts:
In the heat of anger, or intense sadness, or extreme stress (hunger, fatigue) we say and think things we normally wouldn't otherwise.
The bad news: These are usually true feelings. When Mel Gibson made those racial slurs . .. yes, he was drunk . .. But that is beside the point in that that drunkenness brought out a side of him that he may not have known was so close to the surface. He very likely really is racist at some level -- maybe not too deep in his case.
The good news: People change. They fight their inner-selves, battle nobly to overcome, see the difference between what they are, and what they want to become. But they often lose skirmishes in that fray, there are setbacks. But they go back in fighting and swinging to do battle again with themselves. Cheer that battle. It is a noble battle -- a worthwhile battle.
The hardest thing to say to oneself, which is why it is rare to see is: “That was a horrible thing I did. I’m sorry. I am going to have to change and I will never let that happen again. I will make amends, I will battle myself!”
What too often happens is this: ‘I am a good person. I can’t have done that horrible thing. Therefore I didn’t do it, and even if I did do it, I was justified. He/She deserved it, etc.)
The savior said ‘if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses’. Forgive. But it isn’t easy.
Also, add ‘Mistakes were made . . . but not by me’ to your reading list.
I realized, while vacuuming, that my comment above may have been to mystic for even the mysticwanderer.
Here it is.
You ask what the differing phrases said by your stepfather mean --which is the real stepfather?
Bottom line: They both are.
He has pondered, thought, keep inside those mean things he said.
But he doesn't like it. He wants to be different. He is also the 2nd man -- the one that loves you and your Mom. That's the battle.
The existence of that 2nd man makes -all- the difference in the world.
Well, I really don't know what to say, except that Bazzle's "Fool you once" comment reminded me of the Speechalist. Anyway, I totally understand where you're coming from, however I think that the truth lies somewhere between the two polar possibilities: sincerity and insincerity. It's usually best to give people the benefit of the doubt at least once, depending on the circumstances, but always have a cost-benefit analysis running in the back of your head so as not to allow you or your loved ones to end up in unhealthy situations. But with that said, I really don't think you should take our advice with too much weight. You'll be the best judge.
Anyway, thanks for your comment on my blog. We finally got our internet at home! We had to buy a freakin expensive phone to do it. But yeah, we started reading a borrowed copy of Power's book but had to return it. I was so sad that I didn't get to finish it. I'm going to see if we can order it within SAfrica to avoid customs charges in shipping. And regarding linguistic racism, I did see Malcom X, and that's what has made me more aware of it when I hear it. But in South Africa, unfortunately, the racism isn't that subtle. Most of the last half dozen Afrikaners (White SAfricans) I've talked to are openly racist in their comments. I'm always so shocked that I don't have any idea what to say. I'll have to come up with some stock phrases.
Anyway, this was probably too long for a comment, but yahoo mail is not working right now... we might have to switch to using strictly gmail with this connection.
Anyway, take care, bro! And keep in touch!
Jason
Post a Comment