An Insight into My Mind as of Late (Also to appease Patrick)

I am searching for something, but I don’t know what. “We are searching for death on the edge of a candle stick,” Morrison once said, and that that is precisely how I feel. It seems that everyone lives their life waiting for the end, when something “better” will come. What if that something better never comes? What if, in the end, there is nothing—just death? Or even worse, rebirth? I have been raised with these Christian ideals which I have come to believe are nothing but a farce designed to provide humans with the illusion that there is some grand teleological purpose to this life. I am not afraid to die, that inevitably is a part of life. I am, however, extremely afraid of squandering this life. Joseph Campbell talked about how some people resist the mechanization and systematization of society—that is they refuse to give in to the demands of society. I also refuse to give into the demands of society. I refuse to give into their 40 hour work weeks, their materialism, their quest for some imaginary heaven, and everything else of that ilk. I have identified what my future will not be, at least to a degree, now I must determine what my future will be. Perhaps the answer lies in a Peace Corps endeavor to Asia following graduation. That would give me time to answer my questions. Perhaps the answer to my questions about my future lie in the grand traditions of some of the oldest belief systems--I will refrain from using the word religion, because most of these are not religions in the sense we understand-- in the world (i.e. Zen, Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, and various forms of Animism/Ancestor worship). Maybe what the real problem is is that I spend to much time focusing on an unforseeable and unpredictable future, which distracts me from concentrating--or rather not concentrating, but living--in the eternal now (or eternal Tao, if one likes wordplay).